


It's Not Funny People

by Reefgirl



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2019-09-04
Packaged: 2020-09-01 17:46:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 54
Words: 3,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20262043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reefgirl/pseuds/Reefgirl
Summary: Rules are made to be broken, or are they? A series of emails get sent when jokes go too far





	1. Red Alert

Whoever changed the Red Alert signal to REM's It's The End of The World As We Know It please change it back, this IS NOT our theme song.

It's Not Funny People


	2. Nicknames

Please do not refer to our Pegasus allies by pop culture nicknames, 'Aquaman' is NOT impressed

This is not funny People


	3. Major Lorne

Major Lorne, you are NOT Jon Snow and your team are NOT The Night's Watch so please stop telling our first contact's that Valyrian Steel and Dragonglass will kill 'The Wight's'.

This is not funny people


	4. Dr Parrish

Dr Parrish, you are hereby banned from babysitting the Athosian children, Day of the Triffids IS NOT an appropriate bedtime story, the nightmares lasted for weeks.

This is not funny people


	5. Kitty

Please do not bring animals back through the Stargate from your offworld missions, that 'Cute Widdle Puddy Tat' has already tried to eat Dr Zelenka, twice. Kitty goes home, NOW.

This is not funny people, Dr Zelenka is still in therapy


	6. The Kessel Run

Please stop asking Hermiod how long it would take the Daedalus to do the Kessel Run, it took him a week to realise The Kessel Run, The Millennium Falcon and Han Solo are not real. You should all know by now, the Asgard don't do humour.

This is not funny people, Dr Novak is bearing the brunt of a sulking Asgard


	7. Dr Stirling

Dr Stirling, will you please stop telling our astronomical allies that the stories of Ziggy Stardust, Major Tom and the 'Starman' are true galactic legend in our galaxy, I know you're a fan of David Bowie but it has to stop, NOW

This is not funny people, the Minosians have declared the Fifth Moon after Haventide as Major Tom Memorial Day


	8. Major Lorne, again

Will you and your team stop whistling the theme from Mission Impossible every time you go and rescue SGA-1 from peril. The first time was funny, the thirty fifth time, not so much

This is not funny people, Chuck has started crying when he hears the first bars


	9. Make do and mend

Do not, repeat, do not antagonise the Make Do and Mend Club, these people repair our clothes between Daedalus runs. If my underwear comes back two sizes too small, again, I will make you clean the bilge pumps.

This is not funny people, I mean it Rodney.

Reply to email

Dear Dr McKay, we have pictures of you wearing black lace knickers that are not yours, meet our demands and you can have them back, if not they go on display in the mess hall and to the SGC. You have 24 hours

Love The Make Do And Mend Club


	10. Excuses

"It was a ritual" "They made us do it" and "It seemed like a good idea at the time" are NOT valid excuses for your injuries and "It's Classified" is not a valid answer when Dr Beckett asks you what happened.

This is not funny people, this includes you Colonel Sheppard.


	11. The Mess Hall

Dr McKay, I have spoken to the chef's and they have promised to put something other than Lemon Chicken, mashed potatoes, carrots with lemon butter, Lemon Meringue Pie and Lemon Jello on the menu, WHEN you repair the power outages in the kitchen. 

This is not funny people, Rodney, get your arse up to the kitchen NOW, we're all sick of the lemon based menu, leave your ego out of it.


	12. To all Australian Personnel

Beer, barbecue's, cricket and surfing are banned from the mainland, the Athosian's are still traumatized from the last Australia Day celebrations.

This is not funny people, stop teaching the Athosian children Aussie slang, Dr Kavanagh twitches every time they call him "The Dag in the Budgie Smugglers". We did warn him Speedos didn't suit him


	13. SGA-15

I know you are all British but please walk properly on other planets and stop telling the population you represent The Ministry of Silly Walks.

This is not funny people, the spokesman on MX2-451 is still undergoing treatment for a slipped disc


	14. To all science personnel

Please stop scouring the ancient database for instructions on how to build a TARDIS. Dr Who is a TV show, FOR CHILDREN, it's fiction, not fact.

This is not funny people, Rodney stop snivelling, just because the ancients built a time machine doesn't mean you can.


	15. Weekly reports

From this day forward, the phrase "A long time ago in a galaxy far far away" is banned from EVERY report going to Stargate Command.

This is not funny people, it's been four years and the joke is wearing VERY thin, General Landry has taken to having a nip from a hip flask before he opens our transmission.


	16. Woof

Squadron Leader Grantley-Hawes, I know you're British and a fan of Blackadder but when requesting a puddle jumper, please ask politely not demand we "Send the bitch with the wheels now". You are not Lord Flashheart.

This is not funny people, Squadron Leader, Lt Cadman would like to remind you her name is Laura, not Bob.


	17. Ancient weapons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is for OldStarTrekker, who gave me the idea, thank you.
> 
> Anyone who wants to suggest misdemeanors, please feel free

Will members of the Society for Creative Anachronism please stop using the East Pier for their experiments. By all means build Trebuchets but please stop firing watermelons into the sea, the chef's and the SGC are not impressed with the wastage of good food.

This is not funny people, Sam the Whale is not happy being used as target practice, he tried to savage the Scuba diving class last weekend.


	18. Th-th-that's all folks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another suggestion from OldStarTrekker

Whoever posted the clip of Dr McKay leaving the jumper bay and the wobbly flight towards the mainland with the theme from Star Wars playing then ending with Porky Pig saying "Th-th-that's all folks" please apologize to Dr McKay now, he's been sulking in his room for a week now and refusing to do any work until he gets an apology.

This is not funny people, I still have a copy if anyone missed it but don't tell Rodney.


	19. Major Lorne, yet again

I know all about your betting pool, I know the odds you're giving on who in SGA-1 will get hurt first KNOCK IT OFF. 

This is not funny people, $10 on Rodney, in the mess hall, the head chef has been threatening to use him as target practice.


	20. Kitty, again

Kitty needs to go home, NOW, she's outstayed her welcome, even Ronon has barracaded himself in his quarters at night. I'm not kidding, Kitty can't stay here any longer.

This is not funny people, she's terrorising the city, she is a 10 stone, 14 foot long sabre toothed tiger not a housecat


	21. Blood Samples

You know the rules people, Dr Beckett needs to draw blood samples from us regularly, please stop calling him Dracula, wearing crucifixes and garlic and throwing holy water at him when he comes to your quarters

This is not funny people, and stop asking General Landry to post Buffy to Atlantis. Teyla, meet me in the mess hall and I will explain who Buffy the Vampire Slayer is.


	22. M*A*S*H

Dr McKay, Dr Zelenka you ARE NOT Dr's Pierce and Hunnicut I know you thought you were helping by building a still but YOU DESTROYED Lab 13, what wasn't destroyed in the explosion, melted. What the hell would have happened if we'd drunk it

This is not funny people, Hermiod was wondering if, with a bit of adjustment, it could be used to power the hyperdrive of the Daedalus?


	23. Darth Caldwell

Who ever it was who rigged the PA system to play The Imperial March when Col Caldwell enters the Gateroom, please disconnect it now, you do want to continue receiving supplies and mail and parcels from your loved ones don't you?

This is not funny people, Dr Zelenka, when Col Caldwell points when he's speaking don't pretend to choke, he IS NOT Darth Vader, he might act like it but he is not a Sith Lord


	24. The Genii Hierarchy

Stop calling Cowen Chief O' Brien from Star Trek, he does bear a startling resemblance I grant you but DON'T antagonise the Genii. Same applies to Kolya, stop calling him a 'Bond Villain'

This is not funny people, I shouldn't have to tell you not to antagonise the Genii, are you stupid, THEY HAVE NUCLEAR WEAPONS PEOPLE!!!!!


	25. To whom it may concern

REMOVE THE BASKETBALL HOOP FROM THE GATE NOW!!!!

This is not funny people, I'm not running a kindergarten here, you are supposed to be the best minds in two galaxy's, ACT LIKE IT


	26. Col Sheppard and Dr McKay

For the sake of all that's holy, GET A ROOM. 

This is not funny people, of all people who have a book running on when they'll get together your odds are dropping every day, do us all a favour and get on with it.


	27. Sumer is Icumin in

I know some of you follow the Pagan and Wiccan craft and Beltane is a big festival for you, I know you suggested having sex in the crop fields to the Athosian's to get a better crop, you DID NOT have to suggest they build a Wicker Man to sacrifice Major Lorne to the Goddess as well. He is refusing to come out of his room until May 2nd

This is not funny people, wasn't the policeman in The Wicker Man a virgin? If that's the case Major Lorne is not your man, try Dr Kavanagh or Dr McKay

Dr Zelenka, stop asking the Wiccan Community to put a curse on Dr McKay


	28. To all Mexican personnel

Please confine your Day of the Dead celebrations to the city, you traumatized the Athosian children last time. ENOUGH, Dr Heightmeyer is spending more time on the mainland than in the city.

This is not funny people, Dr Zelenka, I am NOT going to send the Mexican teams to M7G-677 next Day of the Dead


	29. SGA-15, again

You are NOT the Knights of Ni, stop demanding gifts of shrubbery from every civilization you encounter. Dr Parrish and the botany dept are not impressed with the amount of flora you bring back.

This is not funny people. You will hand over all your Monty Python DVD's to me at once, I mean it, this has gone too far. 

Stop telling Dr McKay he's not the Messiah, he's just a naughty boy, he's still sulking from the last time you held a screening of The Life of Brian


	30. Drones

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another one for OldStarTrekker

NO MORE DRONES, Dr Beckett is still seething after the prank where someone attached a drone to the end of his fishing line, which the rose up and sprayed him with water, and if that wasn't bad enough it blew a raspberry at him as it flew off. Whoever filmed it is going to spend the next 3 weekends looking after Kitty if I find them.

THIS IS NOT FUNNY PEOPLE, my arse is bruised and punctured, I'm sending the whole city for their shots TODAY


	31. The Wicca's

Please notify the command personnel when one of your ceremonies demands that you be 'Skyclad'.The IOC representatives that were on the tour of the city certainly got an eyeful. Richard Woolsey is making recommendations about restricting religious freedom. Although, Lady Harlington, the British representative, wanted to join in saying she hadn't done something like this since Woodstock.

This is not funny people. Dr Stirling, I'd like to speak to you about your aunt please, Ronon was a little more than surprised to find her waiting in the showers for him and very shocked by her suggestions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Skyclad means doing the ceremony naked


	32. Video montage's

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another suggestion from OldStarTrekker

Ladon Radim has demanded an apology for the video that was accidentally sent where pictures of Cowen and Kolya, among others, were set to the music of The Fuehrer's Face.

This is not funny people. Ok I've reprimanded you and I've sent Ladon his apology but keep showing it, but not Infront of the SGC, Col Caldwell, the IOC and VP Kinsey please.

Dr Novak, where the hell did you get that picture of Col Caldwell?


	33. Knit and Bitch

Ladies, I know Dr McKay is very demanding and I appreciate the work you've done providing the city with gloves, socks and scarves during this cold snap but did you have to knit him pink fun fur jockey shorts to 'Tickle his fancy'.

This is not funny people, actually this is, he has worn them, once, I have the evidence. I'm taking offers for a showing in my office


	34. Flux Capacitor

From Col Caldwell to Atlantis

Which one of you jokers told Hermiod he needed to install a Flux Capacitor to the Daedalus. He spent a month looking for instructions on how to build one.  
Surely you've been told the Asgard don't understand humour or movies

From Dr Weir

This is not funny people, stop winding Hermiod up, we need the Asgard and their technology in this galaxy and our own. Do you want us to be defenceless against the Goa'uld and the Wraith?


	35. To all German personnel

This is your LAST Oktoberfest, you turned the entire West Pier into a beer hall, FOR A MONTH!!!! How am I supposed to explain the fact no work has been done for a month to the SGC even though you were serving Jägerbombs.

This is not funny people, how on earth did you persuade Dr Biro, Dr Kusanagi, Dr Stirling, Lt Cadman and Teyla to be serving wenches?

And why wasn't I asked?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those that don't know a Jāgerbomb is a shot of Jāgermeister dropped into a glass of Red Bull and downed in one


	36. SGA-15, yet again

Stop calling Major Lorne Guv'nor. You've been asked to assist Major Lorne with a security sweep after an outbreak of theft, THIS IS NOT A BRITISH COP SHOW, stop offering to 'Walk suspects round the block' calling interviewees 'Iffy geezers' and calling those helping the enquiry 'Snouts' I know you're in a minority here but please, not everyone know what you're talking about when you've been watching TV. 

This is not funny people, no more binge watching DVD's you're unbearable after you've been watching British drama and comedy.

From SGA-15 to Dr Weir.

Yes Guv


	37. Hockey

Street Hockey is banned from the city, three SGA teams in the infirmary is three too many, Col Sheppard, Dr McKay, you should know better.

This is not funny people, Rugby is also banned, so is Aussie Rules football, Gaelic football, handball, volleyball and soccar.


	38. To all British personnel

Will you PLEASE STOP challenging the American military to drinking contests, having half of them with hangovers and the other half in the brig is not helping anyone. And will the Americans please stop accepting these challenges, you know you can't win, stop accepting these challenges with your egos.

This is not funny people, even the British women can beat the Americans at drinking, how do you do it?


	39. Where is it

Dr McKay to all Atlantis personnel

Where is it you moron's, I know one of you took it, it was a present from someone close to me and I demand it's return. If it is not returned I will have no choice but to report this to General Landry.

Elizabeth Weir to all Atlantis personnel

For the sake of all that's holy, give Rodney his Big Bird cuddly toy back, the whining is unbearable

Dr McKay to Elizabeth Weir

ELIZABETH!!!! DID YOU HAVE TO TELL THEM


	40. Metal

Heavy metal music is banned from offworld missions, you're are frightening as well as deafening potential allies.

This is not funny people, and no, I'm not going to put in a request for Metallica, Slipknot, Korn, Blink-182 and Ozzy Osbourne to come and play a concert on the mainland, the Athosian's have suffered enough


	41. Folies Bergere

Ladies, I know you promised to entertain the troops, but did you have to turn the East Pier into the Follies Bergere? Col Caldwell spent a week explaining the Can Can to Hermiod.

This is not funny people, where did you get the frilly knickers from

And why wasn't I asked


	42. Pipes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another one for OldStarTrekker

From the Marine Biology Dept to Dr Beckett

Can you please play your bagpipes inside the city or on the mainland please, for some reason Sam the Whale and other marine creatures are gathering on the South Pier when you play, we can't get any research done because they're hypnotized by the sound of your pipes.

From Dr Heightmeyer to Dr Beckett

Don't you dare play your bagpipes on the mainland, there aren't enough hours in the day for me to deal with the trauma's we have imposed on the Athosian's


	43. Punishment detail

From Major Lorne to all military personnel

From now on the first duty of the punishment detail is to clear up after Kitty. Put it in sacks and hand it over to the Hydroponics Dept.

From the Hydroponics Dept to all Atlantis personnel

We are holding the first Biggest Vegetable competition this year, get your seeds, soil and fertilizer from Hydroponics

Are we sure Kitty is a big cat and not an elephant, the rhubarb is getting very high


	44. SGA-15 for the love of God

ENOUGH WITH THE MICK JAGGER IMPRESSIONS OFFWORLD!!!!

He is not the God of Incontinence, so stop telling the inhabitants of other planets to Move Like Jagger to avoid being struck down with a weak bladder.

This is not funny people. If I give you back your Monty Python DVD's will you stop Moving Like Jagger?


	45. Ceremonies and Blessings

When asked to take part in a ceremony, at least ask what's involved and what kind of ceremony it is. We don't need anymore surprise's or guests.

This is not funny people, Col Sheppard on behalf of the SGC and population of Atlantis let me say I hope you and you husband and have a long and happy life together

Dr McKay to Col Sheppard

YOU BASTARD, YOU TWO TIMING, TWO FACED BASTARD, I GAVE YOU THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE AND YOU DUMP ME FOR A PRETTY BOY


	46. Aerobatic Displays

The Puddle Jumpers are NOT to be used for aerobatic displays, they're are vital for Atlantis' exploration, they are NOT supposed to be used for display purposes or races. You are not the Red Arrows and this is not the Red Bull Air Races.

This is not funny people, Col Sheppard, Squadron Leader Grantley-Hawes my office, NOW


	47. Major Grantley-Hawes

Will you please stop telling Capt Darling his name is "A funny name for a guy" and "The last person I called Darling was pregnant 20 seconds later" Dr Heightmeyer says there aren't enough hours in the day to deal with his neurosis.

This is not funny people, although Dr Stirling tells me "20 Seconds" is an over estimation on your part

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I've been watching Private Plane again


	48. Kitty Baiting

I understand there is a new sport going round the city, whoever thought that baiting Kitty was a good idea needs 3 months of therapy. 

This is not funny people, SGA-13, you are not known as "The unluckiest team in the city" for nothing, Kitty knows this too


	49. Kitty Baiting, it's your fault this time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another suggestion from OldStarTrekker
> 
> Please keep suggstions coming, the well is running a bit dry

Ok, who's bright idea was it to steal the radio controlled car's from Col Sheppard and Dr McKay, dress them up as mice and put cat nip on the top. You all know Kitty is a 10 stone Sabre Toothed Tiger not a housecat. The sight of Kitty galloping down the corridors after a radio controlled giant mouse terrified the ENTIRE city, including Ronon.

This is not funny people, although seeing the various countries 'Brave' Special Forces diving off the end of the South Pier at the sight of Kitty charging after a mouse was really funny. I still have the CCTV footage if anyone is interested.

Dr McKay to Dr Zelenka  
Radek, what have you done to the engine of my radio controlled car, it goes faster than an F1 car

Dr Zelenka to Dr McKay  
I added Naquida to engine, I wanted to see how fast it would go, it was an experiment, honest.

Dr Weir to Major Lorne  
I know all about your betting pool about which Force Recon member would get to the top of the light tower first, is this your doing?

Major Lorne to Dr Weir  
Me? Never, what makes you think I'd do something like this?


	50. Lip Sync

I really don't want to ban this as it's good fun but can we tone it down a bit. The sight of Dr McKay dressed as Cyndi Lauper singing Girls Just Want to Have Fun and Col Sheppard dressed as Miley Cyrus singing Wrecking Ball has traumatized Hermiod, and Ronon.

Major Lorne to all Military  
I have pictures and videos of Dr Weir dressed as Brittney Spears singing Hit Me Baby One More Time, starting price $50


	51. For Sale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks once again to OldStarTrekker for the idea

Major Lorne to all Air Force Personnel  
Downloads are available of the Special Forces guys diving off the South Pier to avoid a rampaging Kitty, all done to the tune of Macho Man by The Village People, finishing with the Force Recon guy at the top of the light pole. There's also an extra set of pictures showing a Stoned Kitty, at least now we know how to subdue her, a kilo of Catnip.

From the Special Air Service to GROM, Delta Force, GIGN, Spetsnaz, Sayeret Matkal and Snow Leopard Commando Unit.  
Lorne is a dead man, meet us on the mainland at midnight for 'Training' I need someone to trap Kitty in one of the jumpers for a couple of hours. We also need Dr Stirling, she's the local Slapper...erm....good time girl, it's important that she keeps Lorne busy. The rest will be revealed at our meeting.

Ronon Dex to Special Air Service  
Include me in this, except the Kitty trapping.


	52. Ladies, and I use the term loosely

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another suggestion from OldStarTrekker

Rumour has reached me that there are calendars circulating showing a lot of our male personnel naked. Lt Cadman, Dr Stirling I know this is your idea and the men are not happy with being objectified in this way. They demand an apology.

This is not funny people, if you have any left, can I have one

From Lt Laura Cadman to Dr Weir  
Not my idea Ma'am

From Dr Delilah Stirling to Dr Weir  
Nothing to do with me but I do have a copy

From Dr Miko Kusanagi to Dr Weir  
Bring $20 to my quarters and it's yours


	53. Atlantis Mermaid Club

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you OldStarTrekker for this

From Dr Heightmeyer to Atlantis Mermaid Club  
Can you do me a favour, next time you meet in the cove on the mainland can you let the command personnel know, I've had Col Sheppard in therapy for a month after your last meeting. We nearly lost one of the jumpers because his mind went wandering after he panicked and stalled in midair after seeing you, he still won't believe mermaids don't exhist, he's now got a powerful telescope trained on the cove and stays up all night looking for a glimpse of you.

Dr Zelenka to Major Lorne  
I have footage of Col Sheppard stalling jumper in midair after he claims he saw mermmaids on the mainland, but it will cost you

Major Lorne to Dr Zelenka  
Make me an offer


	54. Voyeurism part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is going to take a couple of chapters to complete but bear with me.
> 
> Blame OldStarTrekker, it was their idea, honest guv.

Dr Miko Kusanagi to The Girls  
I've added a cloaking device to one of the drones so all is ready, who do we stalk first?

Dr Delilah Stirling to Dr Miko Kusanagi  
Major Lorne fits the bill, don't ask me how I know

Lt Laura Cadman to Dr Delilah Stirling and Dr Miko Kusanagi  
Of course I'm going to ask why

Dr Delilah Stirling to Dr Miko Kusanagi and Lt Laura Cadman  
Weeell you remember that incident with Lorne, Kitty and the Special Forces guys, well Capitaine Andre Le Loup of the GIGN made me an offer I dare not refuse. You don't say no to the Special Forces, not the French one anyway

Lt Laura Cadman to Dr Miko Kusanagi and Dr Delilah Stirling  
Do you know what happened, can't get anyone to tell me

Dr Delilah Stirling to Dr Miko Kusanagi and Lt Laura Cadman  
I'll tell you at Coffee Break time


End file.
